A sunshiny entry to brighten your day

About two years ago something horrible happened.
The guy that I had been dating for months, and known for years, committed suicide after a long night of drinking. There was no obvious reason as to why he did it and obviously he left his family and friends deeply shattered.
Since then, I have suffered many gut wrenching anxiety attacks. At first they were quite text book. Racing heart, sweating profusely, feeling like I was going to die or go crazy. It was all very easily diagnosable. Those episodes transitioned into a social phobia. I would only get panicky when I was around groups of people. It would even happen around my family, there were no exceptions. This caused me to spend massive amounts of time alone. With only my dog Lola to keep me company, I spent a couple of months in solitude, going out only to work.
Then I started dating my now husband, and due to his unabashed willingness to let me talk about this, I started slowly getting better. Feeling more normal.
Now I have felt a setback.
My anxiety is still quite a part of me but is wearing a completely different outfit. In fact, it took a couple months to even recognize that it had reared its hideous head.
I now feel I am a border line hypochondriac.
I am constantly worried something is wrong with me. I think this was brought on by the miscarriages and the fact that though almost every test was performed, I still got no answer as to why.
My heart palpitations are very real to me but I know they are passed off as an anxiety attack. Though I know that I get them while at rest, my doctor doesn't seem to care. The first question they will ask if you complain of a racing heart is if you've had an anxiety disorder in the past. If you answer "yes," it's like they aren't even listening anymore. I find myself increasingly frustrated with this situation. I don't necessarily want to go to therapy and rehash my life's occurances but am worried that I'm out of options.
Writing this blog has helped tremendously, even if no one reads it.
I'm not asking for delirious happiness, just a little closer to fine.

Comments

[prissy]

hey girl,
great pictures! you are so pretty! i want to see more of your wedding pictures though, you two look so cute and happy..kinda brought a tear to my eye. cassie, you have all my support in all of your endevours(check spelling). i love you and truly miss your company. i have enjoyed reading your blog. it's nice way for me to keep up with you.

i really am not trying to be pushy, just want to help. many couples who have found no explanation through western medicine explore other facets to help with fertility. in many cases both the man and the woman undergo treatment with chinese medicine. this many times does not involve aupuncture. it is lifestyle and dietary adjustments (very often cheese elimination) and chinese herbal formulas. there is a huge success rate. fertility is one of the things we do well. where gynos look at you uterus and ovaries, we look at all of you and your partner and help fill in the gray areas of such a black and white situation as biomedicine sees it. if i am annoying you, i am so sorry. i just love you and want to help and give you a place to start. plenty of research on the web. oh, and try b vitamins for palpitations. they can really help.
love you, and want to see more pictures
prissy

i wrote all of this because i saw that you could moderate and not have everything posted unless you wanted to. i totally respect your privacy and boundaries.