Good Tries

Good times, great oldies

Yesterday was day 1 of my new no sugar lifestyle. Otherwise known as the day I wished I was dead.

7:45 a.m. - I automatically reached for the sugar for my morning decaf but stopped myself and drank it without any. Will have to now quit coffee as I'm finding it tastes like shit without sugar.
10 a.m. - Started feeling a nagging hunger where normally my mid-morning snack takes place. Filled the void by wasting company time on the Internet.
12 p.m. - Lunch, a salad, oh the joy.
12:20 p.m. - The leftover jello cake in the fridge is wondering why I've deserted it. As much as I want to fill my mouth with its sweet and sugary fluffly delightfulness I refuse and angrily cut up a peach. It ate it but thought about jello cake the whole time.
1:30 p.m. - I am starting to get a headache.
2:00 p.m. - Definite headache and starting to wonder what's so bad about being fat and anxious.
2:30 p.m. - Someone kill me my head is going to explode. Someone at work comments that it's sugar withdrawal and that I should probably have an altoid or something to take the edge off. I want to inform that person they should probably shut the f*ck up.
The massive headache continued until I went to bed, miserable and sugarless, but possibly one step closer to being healthy.

Happy Birthday Fatty

I love my gyno. It's true, I mean it.
I love her because she took the time to call me at work and tell me about my progesterone levels herself, even though she already knew I had gotten the results from her nurse. She informed me of what I already suspected. I am fat. She didn't exactly use those words but she did recommend that I cut out sugar completely in order to get my hormones back in check. She said an extra 10 pounds on someone who already has a hormonal problem can make it very difficult sustaining a pregnancy. I didn't want to tell her it was more like an extra 20. She also said that my recent heart palpitations she suspects are from too much estrogen (an idea that was laughed off by Dr. Dummy.) Anyway, I am newly motivated to get healthy.
After my birthday of course, I need cake.
I deserve it damn it.

still here, still obsessing

I will never stop worrying. It's in my blood. They tested for it, so I know.
I found out about my hormone deficiency and that comforted and excited me for about a day. My period must have heard about the negative hcg levels as well and decided to show up full force a day early just to prove that it was true.
I worry that if I tell myself that that's all that's wrong and we get pregnant again, I'll take my suppositories without a care in the world and just assume that my pregnancy will last because, we've found the problem and we fixed it.
But what if that's not all that's wrong.
What if I have another miscarriage just due to a chance chromosomal abnormality?
I'm worried of how I'll handle another one no matter what the reason for it.
Yes, I am happy that we've found out about this problem, it's one more thing I can do to help a pregnancy along. But I am not even close to relaxing, letting my guard down, or assuming that my next pregnancy will produce a child.
But I'm hopeful. I promise not to lose that.

Ignorance gets me pissed

Yesterday I received the results from the bloodwork
Dr. Dummy ordered a month ago. Negative for every ailment she suspected which confirms what I'm sure she'd been thinking all along. That I'm a little loony, and I've either A) imagined my terrifying heart palpitations or B) am causing my palpitations due to my constant state of anxiousness. She offered me a prescription for an anti-anxiety medication which I politely declined. I prefer to work things out on my own.
Today I got the results back from the progesterone testing I had done yesterday.
I've never been so happy to find out something is wrong with me.
Apparently I have a luteal phase defect and don't produce enough progesterone to sustain a pregnancy. I have to wonder why this test wasn't performed sooner, but I am too relieved to care.
Finally, a reason. Finally, something I can do to help.
Knowing is a wonderful feeling, even if it's knowing that something's wrong.