Good Tries

The road is no place for a breakdown

Another dinner with the family.
Another night of gazing at my beautiful nephew and wishing I had one just like him. You just can't not smile at him, he's so darn cute.
On the way home I fought the sadness that was creeping up on me until I found myself crying. Hard.
After a few miles I pulled myself together and shuffled into a convenience store. On the counter was one of those jars to support a little girl living with leukemia. Feeling like an asshole, I dropped a dollar in the jar, and walked out, sniffling.
Here I am, with so many things to be grateful for and because of this one thing I can't seem to have right now, I feel like an utter failure.
I guess what I want...is everything, and that may take some time. This situation has caused me to absolutely forget about what I have, to focus completely on what I don't.

What a weird place I'm finding myself in. Moody and sad, curious about religion and church and finding myself wanting to ask people where they go and why.

I have this tremendous urge to talk to God but I don't know how or what to say.

Serving the highest quality disappointment since 2006

Stupid body. What the crap is wrong with you?

Maybe it was because I started the hormones too late.
Maybe it was just a chromosomal thing.
Maybe I never saw what I thought I saw.

Or maybe my body is a jerk.

Yup.
Jerk.

Sigh.

Sooo.
3 tests and 17 dollars later.....definitely nothing.
It's really for the best to stick to the plan. January is the time for reproducing, everyone knows that.
Besides, there's still a lot of home improvements that need to happen that I wouldn't be able to do if I was pregnant.
I have my annual gyno appointment coming up so I'll talk to her then about the progesterone situation which I'm certain is causing all these chemical pregnancies.
It's okay. Really.

Nada

I think it's nothing.

Tonight I saw a tiny bit of brown spotting and I just generally have a feeling that what ever was going on is over now.

I can't be sure, and won't be until Monday.

But if I had to guess, I'd say it's nothing.

Free to be me

Blessed Thanksgiving.
The only day you can spend all day completely pigging out and no one judges you.

Ready..set...wait.

I hate disappointment. I also hate miscarriage.
Since they are the best of friends and seen together often, I've been reluctant to post about my possibly positive pregnancy test.
But lets back up a little.

When I got the diagnosis of "fucked up hormones", (that's a medical term) we decided to wait a few months before trying again. The first month went by without a hitch. How lovely to be free from all the trying to conceive stress. We were adament about staying safe. The next month.....not so much. I made sure we missed the day of ovulation and the day preceding and following it. I guess that wasn't good enough.
I hadn't even thought about testing. Until one side of me thought, what if I am, and it doesn't last because I didn't take those damn supplements? Another side thought, c'mon, they're 20 bucks a box, can we really afford to waste them if I'm not? I went with the precautious, hopeful side, broke down and bought one.
I was 7 dpo. (yes I'm back to abbreviations, it's just easier)
After taking it I dragged D outside.
"Right there.....don't you see it?"
"Babe, I don't think that's a line. It has no color."
"It wouldn't be that dark, it's really early!" I shreiked. "Here turn around so the sun's behind you..." and on it went, resulting in me freaking out and him patting me on the back with a look of pity.
I conceded, but still turned in my prescription to be filled.
Just in case.
While I was at the drug store, I purchased some more tests.
Just in case.
I retested tonight and it is definitely there. Faint and pale, pale, pale, pink. But there.

This could be nothing.
It could also be everything.
But erring on the side of nothing, there can be no joy about this.
NO congratulations are in order.
All I can do is eat right, take my supplements, and think positively.

And wait.

Good jeans, bad ass.

Searching through my closet to find a pair of pants went a little like this -

A pair of dark Calvins....perfect. Huff and puff and plead with them to reach my hips but they selfishly refuse to go any farther.

How about these...they were my fat pants when I was fat. Got them up around the hips but buttoning them is creating a muffin silhouette.

Sadly passed by the 28" waist Guess jeans while blinking back tears. They once were a staple of my wardrobe, now I barely see them anymore.

Ahh...these outta work. Size 12 Express, a forgiving brand indeed. Get them on and buttoned just fine but then notice the pink racing stripe down the legs, the hole in the arse and the fact that they have no back pockets. Not cool.

Finally I find a pair of faded black Dickies, my work pants when I waited tables a year ago. I stuff my bottom half into them.....perfection.
"I still got it," I purr, while admiring my butt in the mirror. Then I sit down to pull on some shoes and feel the crotch split.

I have got to lose some weight.

I think too much

Lately I've been thinking a lot about religion and I'm pretty confused.

This post is not meant to offend anyone and even though I may speak lightly and maybe even humorously about this issue, I do take it extremely seriously and just find this tone the easiest for me to communicate with. If you are deeply committed to a religion, I admire that and mean no disrespect.
Any thoughts, opinions or statements are welcomed.

I asked this question to my husband earlier and while he tried his best to offer an answer, I still want to know-
Did Jesus know he was the son of God?
Because if he did, why is it considered the greatest sacrifice that he gave his life for me?
If he knew that he was God's kid, didn't he kind of expect a life less ordinary? I mean, he couldn't have expected to hang out and raise a family. Did he feel pain?
I absolutely do not mean to belittle Jesus Christ. I just want to know more about him. I want to understand.
The times that I start to really think about my spirituality, I think maybe I shouldn't. Maybe religion isn't meant to be analyzed so much, and dissected under my spiritual microscope. Maybe it's just something you should feel.
I like logic and reasons but I do understand the concept of faith. It's just hard for me to give my life to any particular religion without having some sort of factual support.
I've talked to sceptics about this and heard them say, "Why should I beleive that God has a plan for me, just to feel better about the bad stuff that happens?" I see their point. But if not feeling the crushing pain of despair is the only benefit to subscribing to the theory that God has a plan, that's kind of ok......isn't it?
Is religion really about blind faith?
Is it okay to find certain aspects of different religions appealing but also find fault with them as well?
Is it okay to like Jesus more than Christianity?
Am I going to Hell for writing all this?

Really

Eat Pray Love, by Elizabeth Gilbert.

Really, really great book.

Really.

Babies rule

After dinner with my family tonight, I have come to realize that unless I have a baby, I'm really not doing jack shit. I brought along the publication that I had spent many hours working on and was quite proud of. I gave a copy to my mom to look over but it was put aside being she "didn't have her glasses." She, however, had no problem seeing my nephew all the way across the table and making unintelligible googly noises as I was attempting to have a conversation with her. Don't get me wrong, I love my nephew dearly, he's a beautiful child. But it really got me thinking. What if, God forbid, I never have a child? Will anything else I do, and work for, not be as important? While walking out the door I noticed she had left the magazine right where she had set it, in the restaurant. I walked back in to get it for her but wished I hadn't.
Guilt makes you learn after all.