Good Tries

Have I mentioned therapy didn't work?

I don't feel like a zombie on acid so much today.

I've received some good advice about this situation and though the verdict seems to be leaning toward giving it some more time, I'm probably going to quit the Zoloft. I just can't imagine another couple of weeks of feeling like that while I wait to get used to it. I couldn't even function at work yesterday. There was a constant buzzing in my head and it felt like my stomach was vibrating. The worst part was that I felt really fucked up. Like, the way you strive to feel as a teenager on a boring Friday night with your friends. But I felt guilty, like I had gotten high and came to work. I kept having to remind myself that this shit was PRESCRIBED. I'm supposed to take it. I thought that taking something would make me feel normal, not drugged. If anything I think I will try a half a pill, and maybe take it at night for a while.

While googling Zoloft and its side effects last night (while waiting for the vibrating in my brain to stop) I came across a web site where crazy people take various combinations of drugs for their own enjoyment and document their effects. One person took Zoloft, cocaine, Effexor, ecstasy and alcohol all in one night. They summed the whole experience up with saying they would never do Zoloft again because they didn't like the side effects.
Out of all that shit, the Zoloft is what bothered them.

Yup. Sounds about right.

Zoloft induced ramblings

I asked my doctor for an anti-anxiety medication.
She prescribed Zoloft.
Today was my first day on it.
She said I wouldn't feel the effects for a couple weeks and to "give the drug a chance to work".
It's the lowest dose prescribed.

The last time I felt this spaced out was when I was 16 and in my "experimental phase"... minus the pink and green swirlies.

Yeah. It's that bad.

I don't think I'll be taking it again tomorrow.
I give up. Am I doomed to live a life of panic?

Any suggestions?

The biggest boob at the table was me

I guess the PMS that was in denial the past couple days finally caught up with me.

During my lunch break today I kind of almost flipped out on my coworkers.
Somehow the discussion centered around breast augmentation (which I am firmly against). There are a lot of things that I can take the I would never do it but whatever people want is their own business approach, but today my PMS just wouldn't have it. After I said something to the effect of, I don't want my daughter growing up in a world where her body is expected to look a certain way in order to be accepted, my friend and coworker states, "I'm not having daughters."
I shriek retort, "You'll get what God gives you and you'll be grateful!"
But she's insistent. "I only want boys."
I give up my vocal tirade but inside I'm seething.
This person is my friend, she knows what I've been through, even my most recent debacle. How could she be so insensitive? Doesn't she know how grateful I would be to hold on to a pregnancy for more than 5 days, let alone have the luxury to prefer a sex? I prefer a live baby, that's about as choosy as I can be these days.
So, as I'm sitting at my desk with my head in my hands, I realize I'm being a big stupid idiot.
I'm pissed at her because she hasn't gone through my pregnancy struggles. She still has that innocence that comes with never having a miscarriage or trouble getting pregnant and I'm mad about it.
And that sucks.
It's like stubbing your toe and then kicking the person next to you just because you're in pain and damn it, they should be too, walking around without a care in the world...
I don't want to be that person. It's not her fault.

I might never have to figure out a creative way to show my husband a positive pregnancy test, or think about baby names at 5 weeks pregnant but some women can, so let them enjoy it.

Fake boobs and all.

Hot pink disappointment

Well I really crapped out on my to-do list. Especially #4.

Two months later, and it's more of the same.
Two weeks ago I warned my husband to "be careful", as we're not trying to conceive right now.
He forgot.
9 days later I started testing and so begins the careful examinations of peed-on plastic. True to form, the faint positives appeared, but untrue to form, they actually got darker. And by 14 dpo that line was hot pink and very encouraging. I actually began thinking that this may just work out this time. I called my gyno to schedule a beta and a progesterone test (I've been taking suppositories).
As I waited to get my blood drawn yesterday I overheard two pregnant ladies complaining about not being able to smoke because it would mess up their blood test. Finally one of them stood up and waddled out, stating she didn't "give a shit" she needed a Newport.
It was truly enjoyable watching her enjoy a cig while I sat anxiously wondering if my umpteenth positive pregnancy test might actually result in a live baby. But I digress.

That night I got my period and cried for a good two hours into a well deserved glass of whiskey.
Today I got the results back from my pointless bloodwork.
Negative on the pregnancy jazz (duh) and my progesterone was a whopping 1.3. The nurse goes on to tell me that with numbers like that, it's pretty impossible that I ovulated at all this month, let alone got pregnant.
I tell her about the 6 positive tests I have and offer to show her. She says it would be very unlikely that I was ever pregnant and she has no clue what caused the positives. She also said that it looks as though 25 mg of progesterone are not enough for me but to prescribe more would entail a referral to a specialist which insurance may or may not cover.
A little googling let me know that unless I have a rare form of uterine cancer, or my pee cup was tainted with laundry soap, false positives are extremely rare. Especially from 3 different brands.
So there you go. It's my personal belief that it was another chemical but as time has proven, I don't know shit.

Thanks body. No more expensive organic fruit for you.